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Great Expectations

A child is doted on for a lifetime growing up. Once grown he/she expects to be doted on and while not coming right out and saying so, this child will want more of the same and why not.

So I ask why we would ever expect an abused child to grow up saying, I want something different? It seems so predictable that we would want better for ourselves because abuse and lack of respect are so painful and who wouldn’t want to change that?

As the survivor of such treatment I can only relate my own experience in breaking a cycle of abuse and reprogramming from expectation to creation.

First there must be recognition of what your expectations are. This can prove to be difficult as we all suffer from some sort of denial about where we have been. Most of us like to fantasize about the life we know and becoming brutally honest with ourselves about that is crucial to recovering and becoming comfortable with the new experience.

In my own experience it wasn’t so much the denial of where I had come from, but of whom I had become as a result of my experiences. You see the experience forms us and we tend to identify with the emotions that surface as a result of things like verbal abuse and abandonment.

The best way to describe this is to share a reflection that I was mulling over just recently as I took a long ride with a friend of mine to Key Largo from Orlando. My friend and I were talking about past relationships; mine more specifically since she had just lost her partner of 26 years to cancer. I in turn have been through a couple of long term relationships along with a couple short term relationships.

Don’t get me wrong, in 16 years of being in relationships, two were 7 years long and two were a year long.
Using the long term relationships as my guide I began to tell my friend of my experiences and we both agreed that I am probably ill equipped to engage in anymore of that.

You see as I reflected on those individuals, I found many common denominators. Both of my partners were controlling, belittling, verbally and financially abusive.

What struck me as curious in the duplication weren’t so much the individuals themselves as much as their behavior in other relationships.

Neither of these partners treated partners before me or after me like they treated me. I had to be brutally honest about why.

First I had to note that no one in their right mind would put with a partner who drew frowning faces on the calendar when they perceived that you made them sad, and happy faces on the days you made them happy. This put in full vision an account of how many days you made your partner sad as opposed to happy. And like a good controller, the sad days always outnumbered the happy ones.

No one in their right mind would agree to let someone go through your glove box every time you left them in the car to go into a store. To read through your journals or to tell you that if you go out with friends on your own they will leave you, even though they do it all the time.

Who wants to be with someone that if you earn nothing its okay. If you earn $200 a week so you need to give $180 to the household and if you earn $600 then $580 is due. Someone who is asked by a therapist if it is really fair to expect your partner to pay half the expenses even though they earn 10 times more than you and the answer was yes.

Unfortunately I saw this too late but it was me that created this environment. Why did I put up with it? Well in my mind if I didn’t I would be left alone. I never once stood up to this behavior because I was convinced through my experiences that it was the best I could do.

It didn’t even hit me when I saw one of these exes ask her present girlfriend “is it okay if I smoke a cigarette?” and her girlfriend responded “what part of no don’t you understand?” It was what I considered a moment of victory for me and yet it made me question what had just happened. This same ex kicked me out of the house when we broke up while I had an eight year old in tow, left her house and paid the bills while her present girlfriend, who also had a child, figured out what she was going to do. Her reasoning was that it wasn’t fair to displace the child. Hmmm? Was it that or was she extending the hope that her partner would stay?

What happened was a transfer of insecurity. My confident and superior partner was now me.

They were now insecure of being left alone and had handed power over to the one they feared would leave them, just like me once.
My point is this…

…your expectation of being less than, will produce the result of how you will be treated.

Can you change your expectation? Or should you instead rely on what is true and fair?

If anything were to happen to either of these exes I don’t think I will dwell on any of these facts. Instead I will always remember the human that I loved and will miss.

Stay in the love, in the now and most importantly in the human factor which we all share.

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Posted by on October 24, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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What about love?

After reading “ A different kind of love” by Veronique Corbett my life began to change. I became more focused on the love and less on the judgement that I placed on everything and everyone. How can one book have such and impact? I think that the simplicity of the message made it so much more palatable to me. This particular book has a powerful message that I believe opens you up to love.
Veronique has given me the opportunity to dip into her second work “The choice is mine.” This work goes further in removing any excuses for being a victim. It lays the sole responsibility in your lap for what shows up in your life.
In my book “Hardwired,” I describe from an early age and in the voice of a twelve year old what love meant to me. At first I thought love was strictly romantic. I had no concept of a love other than the one shared in the intimate moments between lovers. While I was never a sex addict, I was addicted to relationships. I needed to have “love” all the time. I was self destructive without it.
In the eighties I began to hear of “Agape,” which really blew my mind. I didn’t get it. While I tried to grasp it, I just didn’t have the ability to break the “hard-wiring” of what I believed love to be. In the nineties I sought after truth with names such as Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson, and Wayne Dyer. They also spoke of love as the powerful force that can move the mountains of our life, but once again, I couldn’t get quiet enough to digest it.
Now I stumble into this writer’s life and the message is in neon.
Since understanding this message better, and I say that because this is only the beginning of a journey that I have longed for. I realize that every day I experience something new that reinforces the fact that love is a choice. It is an active choice that clears the obstacles that have long clouded my mind, delusions such as lack, mistrust, control, and the meaning of success.
This week I see that working through life without love, instead of with love is like working through life with one arm, instead of all your limbs. Without love we are disabled. Without love we are lost. Without love we are the most vulnerable that we can be.
So what of this thing called love? Well it is only the most powerful tool in the box. Love allows us to forgive one another. Actually forgiveness is a moot point because in love there is no blame, therefore the choice is mine whether to continue to love or begin to blame.
To quote Veronique from “The choice is mine”:
“I will know and trust that what is good
for me is good for someone else.
We are one.”

This is the line that illuminates the very idea that however much we would like to judge, punish and retaliate against someone who is harming others, they are harming themselves at a greater level. We should have compassion when we see this because the so called “harmful” people are so much more harmful to themselves than they are to anyone.
There is an African tribe that has a long tradition when a woman is about to birth. Before the birth all the women of the tribe get together and compose a song for the baby. That song is unique to that particular member of the tribe. The song is sung at birth, at birthdays, coming of age rituals, marriage and death. That is their song that was composed with love.
If you are caught committing a crime against another member of the tribe, the entire tribe surrounds the one who committed the crime…
… and the tribe sings their song to them. This member who committed the error quickly breaks down because he/she cannot stand to be loved when they have wronged another.
In the history of this tradition, no one has committed a crime.
That is the power of love.
Imagine what this could do for our penal system.
Just imagine.

You can visit Veronique @ veroniqueinc.com

 
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Posted by on July 7, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Love is…

A message from the universe @ TUT.com

To clarify, Ramona, the primary roles of LOVE are not to heal, fix, or mend. Not to soothe, cure, or ease. Not even to refresh, rejuvenate, or restore. Hardly.

The primary roles of LOVE, Ramona, are to “Yahoo!” “Yeehaa!” and “Whoohooo!”

Get your love on,
The Universe

You were born to love, Ramona, no matter the cost, no matter what someone else said, and no matter how the past once played out.

It’s interesting that I happen to be reading the book “A different kind of Love” by Veronique Corbett. It’s an easy read but the message is as clear as the one above. If you are looking to change your mind about love, then get this book now.

 
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Posted by on May 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Crazy Love

There are scores of love stories out there and while we can all relate to them somehow, someway I wonder just how many of us are really truly living the story. Without extending any conflict or offense to anyone out there, I think about all the couples that I know and I can’t say that I know of any that are living in a star gazed “love story.” Don’t get me wrong, I realize that there are people in love. I find more times than not that there is one person in the relationship that is in love.

What does that mean? Well after making it through the grueling love story of “Notebook” I find myself lonely for that first love. The love that you thought would never end, and if it did the world might as well end. The love that made you so brave that you would stand up against anyone and everyone to defend it. It was the love that made your life feel so complete that you could live with little else. It was that love that was so accidental and so uncontrollable that you couldn’t help but be overtaken by your desire to never feel anything but this love.

My daughter asked me the other day when I would date again and I laughed while promoting my reasons for living the way that I do. I’ve been single since forever. Those that know me can recite my excuses for being single. The reasons change all the time. I love to use the time excuse. Who has time to date? I’m a busy woman. Who is going to give me the time to do the things that I do? I work, take care of my parents, support friends, maintain a blog, and try to promote a book. I smoke, drink and sleep. When will there be time to kiss someone goodnight or have the long conversations on the phone when I can’t be present? That would be the reason for my laughter.

I’m not a monster and it’s not like I have never had a shot at this love, relationship thing. I have had my bite at the apple a handful of times and this is what I came away with.

First of all I do have the ability to love. The relationships that I have been in have been what they were. They were a relationship. Either I was madly in love with someone who was luke warm about me, or someone was in love with me that I was luke warm about. I wish that I could say that I have been in a relationship where we both felt so drenched in love for one another that nothing could come between us. The mere fact that something came between me and everyone I have been with proves this theory.

Don’t get me wrong. I have spent 15 years of my life in a relationship. That may not seem like a longtime to many who have spent decades married to the same person. At the age of fifty I realize that I am on the short end of the stick when it comes to a wealth of information on this subject. I was in two 7 year relationships. The first one I was in love to the max. She was with the luke warm individual that found being with me was easier than being alone. I was not only aware of that fact while I was there, but I accepted it hoping that someday I would see a change of heart. That didn’t happen so I eventually moved on to someone that was in love with me.

My second seven year rage would allow me to play the luke warm role that I had been demonstrated before. I don’t want to say that I was not attracted to my partner, I was. The fact remains that I had a role to play out and it wasn’t going to be over until I was fulfilled with this phase of love.

The third relationship that I encountered allowed me to dwell in a place where none of us should dare. I was duped hook line and sinker. This is the one that cured me of spontaneity. I first met her and was instantly entranced.  She was in a relationship at the time so I waited. I would tell people that I had a girlfriend and when I pointed her out they would ask, well then who is that woman she is holding hands with now. My answer, oh that is her girlfriend now, but she will be with me one day.

The day that I got together with her I think I was more shocked than anyone else. It didn’t last long. Again, I was madly in love and she was luke warm. Offset once more I realized that there may have been some factors to loving that I just didn’t understand.

People ask me how I can stand to be alone and I don’t think of myself as alone. I have friends and co-workers to interact with. I know it’s not the same as having someone to kiss at night before I turn to sleep. On the other hand it could be better than having to kiss someone as my last responsibility of the day. Neither of these ideas matter because I’m single.

I have wondered if I’m just done with it all and I can say with all confidence that if I never have sex again in my life, I would be okay with that. Then as fate would have it, I met a woman who I was instantly attracted to. I found myself wanting to get closer and kiss her. I was surprised that I still had those feelings because I thought that I couldn’t feel any of it anymore. I didn’t ever make anything of this encounter. It was a good call because it turned out to be a bad fit. Never the less, I got to feel it. It’s there but it is carefully reserved for someone who I have an extreme attraction for.

Of course I love crazy women. I imitated the only love that I knew.

As I take care of my mom now I have come to realize that I am with my crazy love.

 
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Posted by on April 2, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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