There are scores of love stories out there and while we can all relate to them somehow, someway I wonder just how many of us are really truly living the story. Without extending any conflict or offense to anyone out there, I think about all the couples that I know and I can’t say that I know of any that are living in a star gazed “love story.” Don’t get me wrong, I realize that there are people in love. I find more times than not that there is one person in the relationship that is in love.
What does that mean? Well after making it through the grueling love story of “Notebook” I find myself lonely for that first love. The love that you thought would never end, and if it did the world might as well end. The love that made you so brave that you would stand up against anyone and everyone to defend it. It was the love that made your life feel so complete that you could live with little else. It was that love that was so accidental and so uncontrollable that you couldn’t help but be overtaken by your desire to never feel anything but this love.
My daughter asked me the other day when I would date again and I laughed while promoting my reasons for living the way that I do. I’ve been single since forever. Those that know me can recite my excuses for being single. The reasons change all the time. I love to use the time excuse. Who has time to date? I’m a busy woman. Who is going to give me the time to do the things that I do? I work, take care of my parents, support friends, maintain a blog, and try to promote a book. I smoke, drink and sleep. When will there be time to kiss someone goodnight or have the long conversations on the phone when I can’t be present? That would be the reason for my laughter.
I’m not a monster and it’s not like I have never had a shot at this love, relationship thing. I have had my bite at the apple a handful of times and this is what I came away with.
First of all I do have the ability to love. The relationships that I have been in have been what they were. They were a relationship. Either I was madly in love with someone who was luke warm about me, or someone was in love with me that I was luke warm about. I wish that I could say that I have been in a relationship where we both felt so drenched in love for one another that nothing could come between us. The mere fact that something came between me and everyone I have been with proves this theory.
Don’t get me wrong. I have spent 15 years of my life in a relationship. That may not seem like a longtime to many who have spent decades married to the same person. At the age of fifty I realize that I am on the short end of the stick when it comes to a wealth of information on this subject. I was in two 7 year relationships. The first one I was in love to the max. She was with the luke warm individual that found being with me was easier than being alone. I was not only aware of that fact while I was there, but I accepted it hoping that someday I would see a change of heart. That didn’t happen so I eventually moved on to someone that was in love with me.
My second seven year rage would allow me to play the luke warm role that I had been demonstrated before. I don’t want to say that I was not attracted to my partner, I was. The fact remains that I had a role to play out and it wasn’t going to be over until I was fulfilled with this phase of love.
The third relationship that I encountered allowed me to dwell in a place where none of us should dare. I was duped hook line and sinker. This is the one that cured me of spontaneity. I first met her and was instantly entranced. She was in a relationship at the time so I waited. I would tell people that I had a girlfriend and when I pointed her out they would ask, well then who is that woman she is holding hands with now. My answer, oh that is her girlfriend now, but she will be with me one day.
The day that I got together with her I think I was more shocked than anyone else. It didn’t last long. Again, I was madly in love and she was luke warm. Offset once more I realized that there may have been some factors to loving that I just didn’t understand.
People ask me how I can stand to be alone and I don’t think of myself as alone. I have friends and co-workers to interact with. I know it’s not the same as having someone to kiss at night before I turn to sleep. On the other hand it could be better than having to kiss someone as my last responsibility of the day. Neither of these ideas matter because I’m single.
I have wondered if I’m just done with it all and I can say with all confidence that if I never have sex again in my life, I would be okay with that. Then as fate would have it, I met a woman who I was instantly attracted to. I found myself wanting to get closer and kiss her. I was surprised that I still had those feelings because I thought that I couldn’t feel any of it anymore. I didn’t ever make anything of this encounter. It was a good call because it turned out to be a bad fit. Never the less, I got to feel it. It’s there but it is carefully reserved for someone who I have an extreme attraction for.
Of course I love crazy women. I imitated the only love that I knew.
As I take care of my mom now I have come to realize that I am with my crazy love.