Looking out the window of the Winter Garden police department cruiser I could see Rene’s tears roll down her cheeks as she spoke to the officer taking the careful notes that I would not read until tomorrow this time.  There she stood, in her brown bathing suit skirt thing, acting like a weakling. That’s what most attracted me to her.  After my rounds in the last two relationships with strong women, I thought perhaps that the opposite would better serve my personality.  Who am I kidding?  I never made a choice; I just gave into my need to control.

Her soft blonde hair would testify to her angelic origin.  Blonde draped her soft blue eyes.  Her nose had sharp and refined lines that were only accentuated by her pale pink cheeks.  Her smile gave her away.  They say the eyes are the window to the soul, but I say for some, the tarnished hearts, you have to look at the smile as well.  Rene had that one sharp tooth that was exposed from the corner of her smile.  The sharp pointy tooth peered at me as it exposed the sharp side of her. Of course this meant I could only see this when she was smiling. Like you are going along having a good time, she smiles and exposed the pointy tooth which had a polished shine on it making it stand out from the rest of her features.  Whenever it was exposed, I looked away because it too often reminded me that there was a sharp, cruel side to her.  She was the master of the dispute and she didn’t like going there alone either.  Too often I joined her; helplessly I couldn’t resist the temptation to argue the truth with her silly and casual attempt to appear intelligent.  The tooth wasn’t showing now.  The cops couldn’t see the sharp side that I was wrestling with earlier.  I had to look away once again, even though the tooth wasn’t showing, I knew it was there.

The cuffs seemed to tighten the more I shifted in an attempt to make them more comfortable.  I was double cuffed behind my back so each shift of motion would double the restraint.  Deep down inside I wanted to go crazy.  I recalled an episode of “cops” where the guy gets placed in the cruiser and begins to yell savagely until it all ends in him attempting to kick the back windows out.  That is exactly what I wanted to do.  Go into a physical outburst until you hear the sound of something breaking.  The sound of shattering glass was the perfect sound because the shattering sound was especially pleasing to me whenever I felt like my life and reality was shattering .Reality was shattering at such an alarming rate that I found it difficult to restrain myself and yet here I was, physically and legally restrained.  The only freedom I had at this point was mental and spiritual.  Both which were questionable at this very moment.

This is the place where you are truly tested in your belief system.  Will I crack?  I placed my forehead against the metal security barrier between the front and back seat of the police car.  The air conditioning made the metal cool to the touch which is exactly what I needed, cooling.  I rolled my forehead back and forth and let it assist me to chill.  I closed my eyes and begged myself to maintain control.  I wanted to scream and yell, and cry out for justice. I chose instead to recite “Our father”, over and over again.

The door to the cruiser opened and the officer asked me to get out of the car.  I opened my eyes slowly begging myself to stay calm and in control of the emerging violence deep inside me that was scratching at the surface.  I stood before the officer as he informed me that I would be transported by another officer.  I dared not look at Rene again.  It was too much.  Then I stopped for a second and the officer yanked on my arm.

“Can I please just say something to her?”  I asked him with all the humility I could muster up at the moment.

“Say it from here.”  He replied as he turned me around to look at Rene.

I looked up at her, she was still crying and her blonde hair was disheveled as it absorbed the tears and was glued to her cheekbones from the combination of tanning lotion and tears.  She was surrounded by officers who were falling for the exact same act I did two years ago.

“It was wrong of me speak to you in such a disrespectful way.”  I paused to think about the fight and the degree of escalation that was leading me to jail tonight.

“I’m sorry for throwing your close out the window the way I did, that was demeaning to you and that is not what I meant to say.”   I could feel my throat close up to prevent me from continuing.

“I said some demeaning things and I didn’t mean them, I just….”  I couldn’t finish and the officer was now pulling on my arm to go.

“I’m sorry, really I am.  Please call Alex! The number is right by the computer.”  I was speaking louder and I was more desperate now that I was approaching the police car that would silence me from her forever with the simple slam of a car door.

“We fucked up the relationship, but please call Alex, make it right!” I yelled to her as they pushed me in the back seat of the police car and that was the last thing I ever said to Rene. She made no attempt to say anything back to me, once the door slammed shut, that was the end of Rene’s reign. I had an important job interview in the morning and all I wanted was for her to make the call for me.

The charge was domestic violence. I was never prosecuted, but it cost me a pretty penny. What’s the lesson here? When your girlfriend hates you, leave her. It’s that simple. When someone repeatedly tells you that you are less than what you are, go away. It won’t get better.