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The Nazi in Me

I recently began to cohabitate with a good friend of mine and while I had a good notion that adults who aren’t a couple might find it difficult to live with another, at the same time I was surprised at the tension and chaos that erupted quite quickly into the project “cohabitate.”

As the “Alpha” of my household for most of my adult life I had to talk to myself for weeks before embarking on this mission. I had to tell myself that I was now going to have to accommodate more than I was used to. My new roommate has three dogs and I have two cats. I was ready for that.

My new roommate is the “Alpha” of her household as well and I thought I was ready for that.

We are both women in our fifties so I figured we were in the same place and were willing to share the experience together.

When I was a little girl I heard the stories about Nazis, but because I wasn’t seeing the written word I thought everyone was saying “Not See.”

I was horrified with the atrocities of the Nazi regime, but in my mind I told myself that they could “Not See” and so they were afraid. They were afraid of anything different encroaching on their societal norms.

Suffice it to say the within days of project “cohabitation” my new roommate, and old friend, verbally assaulted me because she thought I left some lights on and garage doors open. I didn’t like it but I backed down because I really need this to work.

On the second occasion that she felt so frustrated about the dishwasher not being full enough to run a wash cycle, she ripped into me again. That’s when I saw it…

…The Nazi.

I saw myself. I saw the me that felt everything was going wrong and it was somebody’s fault. I saw myself bullying the people who have lived with me who dared to do anything outside of my regimen. There is a perfect program that I live by and it must be observed by all that enter into my home.

I became aware that she was reflecting a very ugly picture of me. The picture of me where I could “Not See” the forest from the trees. Where my perfect way of doing things became a reason to belittle and demean anyone who did not or as I saw it, would not comply with my program “household perfect.”

The experience took me outside of myself to learn a very powerful lesson. Yes I am wonderful, generous, kind, loving and resourceful.

But there is a “Not See” that visits me when I’m tired, lonely and uneasy. It is a guest that creeps in and blinds me of all the wonderful qualities, not just in myself but in others that I care for.

So I say I’m sorry to all whom I have bullied out of my blindness and inability to see what was right in front of me…

…ME.

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Posted by on May 21, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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